Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
