What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
