Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
