I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
