Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
