wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
