dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
