I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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