I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
