My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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