woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
