I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
