Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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