Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
