i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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