Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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