I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
bring money and cleavage
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
