I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
