I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I wear drunk well.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
