they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
