u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
