I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
