WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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