My liver just broke up with me...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
