What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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