saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
