hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
