the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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