The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
