my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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