did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
