Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize