I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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