i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
