everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
