So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
