Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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