How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
