based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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