i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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