i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
