God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
