I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
