I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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