Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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