Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
