its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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