Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
