Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
