I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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