I cannot find my penis.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
