mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
