I'm pants shitting drunk right now
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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