Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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