I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize