Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
